Raw.

One of the hardest and most painful things I have ever experienced was loving someone who was in love with someone else. Now don't judge me on this but I am going to be very open, vulnerable, and raw. I think it's time I finally get this out.

I was so in love with this man that I would do anything for him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Our relationship changed everything I have ever felt about love. And it truly made me believe soulmates were very real. But his love for this other woman overwhelmed him and although he was with me and they were no longer together he couldn't let her go. But being in love with someone who can't let someone else go is a never ending battle not only with them, but with yourself. I started thinking what was so wrong with me, why can't I make him get over her, why can't I compete with her, why am I not good enough. And looking at it now of course it has nothing to do with me, it's something I had no control over but in the midst of it all, I couldn't think that clearly.

I was constantly beating myself up trying to win his heart and getting so frustrated every time it didn't work. I felt like I couldn't even get his attention even when he was in the same room as me. I was overextending myself so much I became empty. I had nothing left to love myself nor anyone else. I became unrecognizable to myself and it was sad to see how low I had become.

Now don't get me wrong this is only one aspect of the relationship and there were some very positive things I took from it. And I don't blame anyone. Sometimes love doesn't let you forget about people. Sometimes hanging on is a part of fate and I truly believe that some people, no matter how many times they leave, are meant to be together. Hearts hang on for a reason. I just wish I hadn't spent so long before figuring this out. I just wish I hadn't pushed myself so hard that I had nothing left. But then again I'm happy because it forced me to start loving myself. It seems to me that other people's lack of love for you forces you to look inward and find love for yourself. So in the storm there is always a blessing.

I just wonder sometimes if it was even his love for her that kept him from being able to love me fully or just his love of the idea of her that put a halt on something that could be so beautiful.

Casita❤